Sunday, November 7, 2010 : }

The grey area of religion's super big in my life now. During EOYs I really didn't think about it much; just concentrated on my studies and all. And now that I have the whole holidays - you know what they say; holidays are supposed to be a time of self-reflection and self-psychoanalysation - before me, all the issues are coming up.

Like, what exactly is the correct answer when someone asks you about religion?
And how do you know you have the correct answer?

Note: like I said, this is a grey area (literally, on my post); and if you're not comfortable with religion then don't read it cause I think what I'm gonna reflect on will probably confuse you.

I've just been wondering for ages; is my faith on solid rock? Like in the temple in Batam I couldn't even answer the question about Christianity, and Mr Tay knows what's in the Bible when I don't.

I really felt lost then. I mean, I've spent this entire year trying to back up my backsliding. I really made an effort to come to church and cell and everything when just last year and the year before and the year before and that I completely didn't show up for church regularly.

But every now and then something will come up and hit me like some brick and make me question: are my motives correct?

And then, right in the midst of this kind of internal conflict I keep having, this door opens. As in, figuratively. Right now it's like decision making time all over again, but it's not choosing between serious. It's way more serious (for me at least).

I don't know if I can be one. I don't know if I can lead a group of little kids and teach them about the Bible when they're the ones who've been going to church more regularly than I have. I don't know if I can even be like everyone else in church: coming regularly, doing their quiet time everyday, praying everyday.

I feel like I'm a shitty Christian - up til this year I didn't go to church at all. I had to have friends practically chase me every week to come (thankyou Felicia; you know if it weren't for you I might not have come back at all); I had to have my dad convince me to give LET a try; basically this whole year I've had so many bricks thrown at me, making me rethink everything I thought about religion. You know, there are so many people younger than me who are so much stronger in their faith than I am.

I don't know if I can ever be like my cell leaders.

I mean, it's not like the SC or event-planning or CCA committee kind of leadership here. Tell me to chiong out pub by midnight tonight and I'm OK. Tell me to mug and I'm OK. Usher for Open House, Y1 Registration and Y6 graduation and I'm OK.

But cell leadership?

It's like, how can you assume a role when you've so much more to learn? I know my cell leaders constantly state that they're learning, too. But I'm like a really bad case. I mean, I didn't grow up in Sparklight. I don't serve, I don't usher, I'm not even extroverted. I've never gone for a church camp. And it's totally awkward turtle for me during some events. I'm in follow-up ministry and I didn't even come regularly.

I'm prone to disappearing when I'm stressed. Cell leaders are supposed to be reliable. And me? I don't know; I feel like I can't do this and I'm not up to it and I don't deserve it anyway.

Ask me any question about this and I'll give you the same answer: I don't know.

I don't know if I can do this. And it's not like I can just walk into it breezily without a care in the world. Because it's not just me at stake. It's any cell group I might be taking.
Sigh, I don't know. But I guess I'll follow what Jared said: you trust in God, not in yourself.

And if God opens this door for me, then I'll follow him through it.

CHINGYING; 11:06 PM